I Thought Mastery Would Look More Elegant
Two years ago, I sat in front of the Plasma Light Tribe and said something I did not know I would need to hear again.
I was talking about the things that come easily to some people and require absolutely everything from others.
Spiritual connection has always been natural for me. I did not have to fight my way towards God or convince myself that there was more to life than what I could see. I arrived in this world already knowing that.
Health was different.
I spoke about my lifelong struggle with weight, the diets I had started, the times I had fallen off, the weight I had lost and the plateau that would not budge at the time.
Then I said:
“There are some things you have no choice but to become a master of because they challenge you.”
I believed that.
I still do. Now more than ever.
I simply did not understand what mastery would look like or how far the path would take me.
My Body Had Other Ideas
I thought becoming a master of health would eventually look more elegant. I knew I would stumble, but I imagined I would stumble with considerably more grace and at least some vague indication that I knew what the fuck I was doing. I thought I would reach a point where I could stand triumphantly on the summit, hair blowing in the celestial breeze, and announce that I had finally mastered health.
My body humbles me every time. It is such a badass teacher and obviously had other ideas.
Over the last two years, health has become much bigger than weight, no pun intended. Even though it’s a pretty good one. I’ve dealt with anaemia, iron infusions, exhaustion, so many tests and difficult decisions.
I wish I could tell you that I have floated through all of this in a state of serene spiritual acceptance, but I have not.
There have been times when I have been frightened.
I have known I was making the right decisions and still felt afraid. Because yes, wisdom and fear can occupy the same body at the same time, which feels like an overcrowded arrangement, but here we are.
The Kerry who spoke those words in 2024 thought mastery might mean conquering the thing that had challenged her.
The Kerry writing this now understands it differently. She has lost the weight and realised it was no big deal. I swear, these puns write themselves. The Kerry of today also realises that mastery means sitting in the unknown, with unanswered questions and uncertainty, yet remaining present and finding supreme peace in that.
I’ve realised too that I can’t instruct my body; I can only listen to it.
I can’t direct it, but I can work with it.
Mastering something is not meant to be easy. That’s a different path entirely. This one is arduous and challenging. It has taught me that sometimes allowing myself to receive help is part of the mastery itself.
Whilst the path is difficult and requires stubborn determination, it has also been miraculous. I’ve come alive more fully. Embraced love even more boldly. Become more me. And through it all, I find myself happier and more in love than I ever imagined possible. In love with my husband, with motherhood and my three gorgeous children. More in love with my ridiculously beautiful dogs who shepherd me through life. And totally in love with being here, when being here was something I once did not want at all. I spent most of my younger years looking for a way to check out and now I am brought to my knees with gratitude for staying the course and how spectacularly it’s turning out.
This journey is far from over, but I’m here for every moment of it. I’ve learned to make difficult decisions without waiting for the fear to disappear first, and that certainty comes after the risk is taken and not before.
Perhaps that is what mastery has always been.
Not finally reaching the day when nothing challenges me but becoming someone who no longer runs away from herself in the challenge.
Difficulty Is Not a Verdict
We have been taught to treat difficulty as a verdict, as though struggle is life handing down a final judgement on whether we chose correctly or are capable of continuing.
When a relationship becomes difficult, we assume we chose the wrong person and somehow that means there is something wrong with us too.
When work challenges us, we decide we have missed our purpose and cannot be happy until we find it.
If meditation does not come naturally, we call ourselves disconnected.
If healing takes longer than expected, we call ourselves broken. And when we find ourselves returning to the same lesson for the hundredth time, we decide we simply do not have what it takes and should stop trying.
We mistake the effort required to become masterful for evidence that we never will.
The Place Where You Keep Falling
Yet the place where you repeatedly fall is exactly where life is patiently teaching you how to stand. It may not be glamorous, but by God, it’s real. And that’s what you came here for: to meet yourself in the most real, most authentic moments of your life, when you feel tested but find your truth in those tests. These are the moments you designed to stand up as the True Self and step out of the illusion.
And while you are looking at what still challenges you, please remember what you have already mastered.
There are things you do effortlessly that somebody else has spent a lifetime trying to master. There are things they do without even trying that will bring you to your knees, make you doubt yourself and require you to return for the hundredth time.
That does not make you less capable. It makes you more human. It means you have reached your curriculum.
You are allowed to be new here. You are allowed to be clumsy. You are allowed to learn something, forget it under pressure and return to learn it again at a deeper level.
You are allowed to fall off the horse so many times that the horse begins greeting you by name.
Come Back to Your Path
Please stop using every wobble as proof that you cannot do this or a measure of your ineptitude. This is your pathway to mastery, and you are here to walk it, even when your legs shake. Keep walking, my love, because this path is not the verdict of how good you are; it is proof that you are more than you’ve ever let yourself believe.
Maybe you joined the Plasma Light Tribe and left. Maybe you began meditating and stopped. Maybe you promised yourself that this time would be different, only to find yourself repeating the same pattern three weeks later.
Come back.
Come back to the practice.
Come back to the choice.
Come back to the part of yourself you left standing there when you decided that struggling meant failing. Struggling means that rising has become inevitable. It already exists as the counterbalance to your struggle. The only question is whether you will claim it.
Most of all, come back to your path. It is majestic and masterful. That does not mean you’ll get it right, and it almost certainly means you’ll take on the haunted look of a feral human-being poised somewhere between passing out and passing through.
I knew mastery would ask me to fall and get back up again. I simply had no idea what it would call on me to give. Now I do, and the answer is everything. But it’s given me everything, too.
When you are facing something in your life for the hundredth time, that does not mean you’re failing at it. It means this is what mastery requires to reveal you to yourself.
And just so you know – The Plasma Light Tribe is a place where you are allowed to return. You do not have to arrive polished, certain or spiritually house-trained. You only have to arrive willing to meet yourself where you are and discover how much further you can go.
From my heart,
all the way to yours,
P.S. The call I’m referring to was Call 183. It was a humdinger. If you’re a member of the Plasma Light Tribe, wow, go give it a replay because, like me, the version of you sitting with that call now has evolved and will hear an even deeper transmission coming through those words today.
